Hey did you ever do a blog?
Did you ever, possessed of idealism and humanitarian zeal, craft an exquisitely thought out essay for the free consumption of the general public, pro bono as it were, and post it on the world wide web at your own expense? Did you ever then spend an hour a day dealing with comments on the blog, most of which turn out to be SPAM generated by persons whose first language is not English, praising you and probably a thousand other victims with fragments of mass produced illiteracy?
“Thanks for every other magnificent post. The place else may anyone get that type of info in such a perfect method of writing?”
“You’ve done a formidable process and our whole neighborhood will be grateful to you.”
“You’re an excessively professional blogger.”
“You managed to hit the nail upon the highest as neatly as defined out the entire thing with no need side-effects , other folks could take a signal.”
“I be taught something more difficult on totally different blogs everyday. It is going to always be stimulating to read content material from different writers and observe slightly something from their store.”
Why are these people writing to me in a foreign language (mine) and telling me lies that make no sense? Why me? How the hell did they find me? Do they think that in their pidgin English they will trick me into posting their url-addressed broadcast as a comment on my website and that someone who happens across one of my posts will somehow be so strangely attracted to their fractured syntax that they will spontaneously strike up a conversation with this pathetic minion that will ultimately result in the sale of a pair of …Ugg Boots?
What are the chances?
Yes, every day I am assaulted by linguistic garbage from some third world keyboardist paid on behalf of Ugg Boots. And that’s just one of the companies that employs 8 year old children chained to computers in steaming stinking jungles who are fed only when they sell a pair of Ugg Boots.
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Got it! Message received. Not quite sure what “ugg au” is. Australia?
And so let me ask you, loyal reader or even you disloyal readers, can I sell you a pair of Ugg Boots today? Have you ever considered wearing Ugg Boots while you are sleeping? While you are doing squat thrusts or reading about the Whiskey Rebellion or inspecting your pimples. Perhaps a furry pink pair of Uggs might make an interesting alternative to a toilet? Perhaps you might rob a liquor store in a pair of Chestnut Ugg Boots. Or perhaps Ugg boots will want to make you kill and kill again to please Jodie Foster. Ugg boots may hold the key to the Manchurian Candidate. Undoubtedly they are involved in some occult process that I am not fully hip to.
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“Made from 100% cashmere grit the clergy, these kinds of connections are in the main be attracted to and merest cozy.”
This message came from some person or thing calling itself “Poonsipiecy.”
What a strange world we live in. Ten years ago the people writing away in foreign language by the hour would have probably been making carpets or pots, durable goods, but now they are wasting my time marking their products as spam. But is there another dimension, like a hundred million monkeys typing and perhaps randomly producing Shakespeare. (Titus Andronicus maybe?)
I remember often getting e-mail spam that used words in a bizarre, random fashion. It was almost like getting e-mails from John Ashberry.
In fact I borrowed some lines from spam e-mails to construct a poem I called:
And area sleep. People came, part certain.
Question, sing, hunt water.
Was length letter her syllable lead?
There rock key product add. Settle be I.
Long paper, we time pass to trouble.
Grew often put through receive wear.
Walk cook window, special thing mountain.
Well, river farm noon. Learn joy general, plain.
Ground father, might talk new often.
The edge lay made. Kill great leg, rainstar.
Four islands, then rock sun just west.
Inch middle corn grew again. Cause money correct.
Town war property moment. Hand soldier press.
Horse mother hot among a poem.
Hair was heart numeral. Early want cut.
Ever talk lost. Difficult, clear-made wind, low.
Pay yes, reason. Clothes, vary a phrase.
Any travel map fall would overdescribe the bed
And copy the size. Collect, exact system,
Hold even settle. Energy wide and mean.
Better, animal show never. Settle skin distant often.
Interest, write far. Together sing,
Use here your particular subject.
Science exact subtract.
Number off even more. Low girl.
Natural play of seafood.
Street made, always early to enter.
Cow for engine. Natural short quiet street history.
Town, state, cross these. Note, century. Figure time now.
Quick care, main floor heart machine exercise.
Mile under several books any line.
Never did produce that other change.
At mountain region wind kept air laws wide.
Race snow does. Inch favors large fire more each edge.
Hour, speed hard facts once present.
Crease saw land need ease.
Once I asked one of the guys in Kraftwerk if their music was experimental and he said “All music is experimental.”
I have often looked at mad people on the sidewalk engaged in strange writing or automatic behavior and wondered if actually they might be adjusting the orbits of asteroids or psychically inducing weather changes in the bayous of Louisiana.
This spam is annoying to me, but who knows if there is an actual purpose, aside from the off chance that I might actually post the address of an insincere replier to this gratis non-commercial web log? Maybe it is, like the disembodied spirits that worked with William Butler Yeats through the automatic handwriting of his wife, providing metaphors for poetry.
What happens when you combine minimum wage, e-mail, English as a second language and Abstract Expressionism?
We’ll know some day, I suppose.