Toward the end of the last millennium I had a house in the Hamptons. Such a beautiful place. I went there in hopes of crashing the abstract expressionist beach party movable feast while the ghosts of artists and writers still lingered at Gibson Lane and Town Line Road.
My house was on the back roads. Before long however the people I had gone there to avoid decided to join me in great numbers. Before I knew it the back road on which I resided became a part of “the short cut.” And the field’s that the farmer Faye who build my house once plowed began to sprout houses that measured in acres where once there was only corn and potatoes. And racing cars driven by drunken tort lawyers began crashing my split rail fence in the wee hours.
And so I bid adieu to the beach. Memory fades. I’m in the woods now and I just came upon a little piece that I wrote during the final days of my Bridgehampton residence and that I had completely forgotten.
Back Roads of the Hamptons
Toilsome Lane: Working people still live here.
Race Lane: Full of white people. The Laundry is here. It is not a “laundry.” Lorne Michaels may be inside.
Narrow Lane: Keep out!
Road to the Widow Gavitts: Thoroughfare to a former house of ill repute. Widow Gavitts was a 19th Century madam. Today many whores own their own homes.
Two Holes of Water Path: You can’t see the holes from the road.
Bull Path: No bull!
Gin Lane: Roy Lichtenstein lived here. Have a martini for Roy.
Drew Lane: Judy Licht the retired news reader who wrote a pamphlet Back Roads of the Hamptons lives here. Let’s see if you can find her house!
Montauk Highway: DeKooning doesn’t live here anymore.
Wickepogue Road: A Shinnecock Indian name. They used to be allowed to caddy and sell cheap cigarettes.
Daniel’s Lane: See America’s largest house! Not one but two bowling alleys! Is one “white only?”
Snake Hollow Road: No snakes just polo ponies.
Flying Point Road: The point is that if you don’t fly here you can’t afford it.
Butter Lane: Now pronounced “buttah.”
Scuttlehole Road: Red Sox legend Carl Yaztremski once grew spuds here.
Further Lane: Ne Plus Ultra!
Springs Fireplace Road: If only Jackson Pollack had a Hummer….